Help! My Kid Has a Social Life!

Dr. Tim Jordan, M.D. shares his tips in his article, “Help! My Kid Has a Social Life! (Think Fast Before You Jump In)”
Wherever you are in the school year don’t forget to also prepare yourselves emotionally to support your kids with their friendship issues. 
 
Ahh, friend issues, you know what I’m talking about. Teasing, bullying, exclusion, cliques, harassment, and “You’re not in our club anymore!” are found in most classrooms in most schools and at most grade levels in one form or another.  
 
Parents often feel frustrated, angry, confused, helpless and powerless in these matters. We hurt right along with our kids. Worst case, several parents get in the middle of it and add to the drama.  
 
So, let me give you some suggestions, preventatively, before the action begins and the fur begins to fly, about effective ways to deal with your kids and their friendship issues. 
 
• Listen! Always listen, because your kids want and deserve to be heard and to have their feelings taken seriously. 
 
• Don’t take on their feelings. Don’t feel hurt, feel sorry for them, get angry, etc. Don’t take it personally. Don’t let it mean you are a bad parent.   
 
• Once your child feels heard and their feelings validated, turn the problem-solving over to them. “It sounds like you feel hurt by what Tommy said. What can you do about that? What have you tried? What’s worked in the past?” 
 
Put the ball in their court, so they know they are responsible for their lives. And when they take an action and the situation is resolved, they completely own the results, which builds their social self confidence. 
 
• Don’t overreact to their venting. When we are venting, we don’t always mean exactly what we say, and neither do frustrated kids after a tough day at school. Hear their feelings and mirror them back. Some kids are dramatic by nature and embellish a lot. So know that about them. 
 
• Don’t play emotional hot potato with them. This means you listen when kids vent about the actions of a kid that they “hate,” and once they’re done venting, they walk off feeling lighter and unburdened while you’re left holding onto the feelings and wonder what to do about it. The next day you are still a worried wreck and your child is at school having lunch with that same kid having totally forgotten yesterday’s battle. Don’t take it on. Let things go. Your kids will. 
 
• Don’t connect through pain. Parents who worry too much and overprotect too much and take on their child’s emotions overdo it when their kids come home with friend struggles. Don’t lead them on with questions that assume great hurts and misdeeds. Some kids will make up negative stories because they think that’s what their parent wants to hear. It can become an unhealthy way to connect with each other, through pain. 
 
• Don’t let your child’s stories and struggles cause you to judge other kids and parents. This causes kids to not feel it’s safe to tell you what’s going on. Kids want you to listen and understand, not to judge or hold grudges. 
 
• Don’t bring any of your emotional baggage into it. Our children’s stories and struggles and pains can trigger memories and feelings in us. Unresolved anger, hurt, shame and fears can resurface, causing us to overreact to situations. Kids have enough on their plates handling their own, present-day social scenes. Adding our stuff makes it confusing and unmanageable. 
 
• Don’t leap into your child’s social pool and drown with them. Do listen, commiserate, and tell stories about your experiences growing up that might help them know you really do understand. Do be a sounding board that helps them problem solve and think things through. But stay detached emotionally. You’ve been through all the playground politics.  
 
It’s their life now and their feelings and their lessons and their successes. The more you allow it to be their issue, the easier it becomes for them to figure things out and the more empowered they feel when things turn around. 
 
So even as you are packing their backpacks with supplies, their lunch bags with treats, and their closets with clothes, don’t forget to pack your toolbox with ways to help you to support your child in successfully navigating through all the social ups and downs this school year. Have a great year!   
 
Dr. Tim Jordan and his wife, Anne Jordan, run personal growth weekend retreats and summer camps (Camp Weloki) for kids in grade school, middle school and high school and his private practice is in Chesterfield. To find out more, call (636) 530-1883 or go to www.weloki.com.