How to Communicate With Your Tween

Carrie Silver-Stock, sat down with one of the founders of www.mymommymanual.com to share tips on how to communicate with your tween.  You can watch the interview here.

How To Measure Success

Guest blogger, Ria Sharon, the Practical Mommy shares her tips on How to Measure Success.

Success is an elusive idea. Throughout our lives, we are trained to look to some external measure of success, whether it be a glowing report card or a college/post-graduate degree, a great performance review, or a big fat end-of-the-year bonus. During my career, I felt relatively secure of my success based on ongoing feedback from my superiors. The mere fact that I had a job, that someone was willing to pay me x amount, provided me some objective measure of my value. Well, when I chose to stay home with the kids, I pretty much kissed all of that goodbye.

Now what? In the years I spent as a full-time stay-at-home-mom, I was swirling with doubt and confusion about whether or not I was any good at it. I mean, do they even have a job description for this thing that I do 24/7/365? When is my next raise and for the love of… when is my next vacation???

At the time, I felt like I was all alone (of course, that is never the truth!) As a confirmation that this feeling overwhelms many, many moms, I discovered this video featuring Michelle Scheumann as she discusses the Hot Mommas Project with its founder, Kathy Korman Frey. Michelle shares her frustration about the lack of appreciation and validation that comes with the territory of being the “home entrepreneur” or Chief Household Officer (as I was called). She also talks about how important it is to do something for herself, that utilizes her life experience and unique gifts.

Do you see a pattern here, my dear Mommies? Hmmm… do something for yourself… do something you love… find your personal calling! I can only speak for myself, of course… but without that crucial element of A Passion in your life, it will always seem unbalanced. People who have known me over the years have commented that since I’ve made a commitment to living with purpose, I am a different person. A good friend told me just recently, “You will be so much more successful now. Whatever success means to you.”

Or if you recall the song from Rent… c’mon, sing it with me! 525,600 minutes…. How do you measure a year? How about love? Measure in love.

As an aside, the Hot Mommas Project is a wonderful initiative, producing real life case studies of women balancing personal and professional lives to help model success for young girls. Read more about it on the website and thank you Kathy, for the nomination.

10 Rules Kids Wished Their Parents Lived By

We love these radical parenting principles Vanessa Van Petten and her Teen Team has put together!  Vanessa runs RadicalParenting.com a parenting blog written from the kid’s perspective with 80 teen writers. Their goal is to give teens a voice.

Radical Parenting Principles by Vanessa Van Petten

1) There are no ‘perfect parents’, formulas, easy answers or a ‘right’ way to parent.  There is a right way for your family, you have to constantly strive to find it.

2) Live the You-Them-You Perspective. Learning to see how the other side feels is one of the most difficult ideas to master.  Adopting this yourself and teaching your kids to think about their needs and then other’s needs is a wonderful way to teach children gratitude and perspective.  We hope to give you tools to do this.

3) Constantly challenge what we think we know.  ‘Radical’ means to question the status quo and what isn’t working.  This is how we grow as a family and as human beings.  Find your mirror, whether it is our blog, a radical parenting friend, or your spouse to examine patterns and habits that are not working.

4) Stay open-minded. We never know what another person is really thinking. 

Read the rest of the Radical Parenting Principles here.

Five Ways Girls Can Be Leaders

These articles are by Vanessa Van Petten who runs RadicalParenting.com, a parenting blog written from the kid’s perspective with 80 teen writers. Their goal is to give teens a voice.

“You can’t write a book, you are just 17, and you are a girl!”

No. Way. I believe that you can do anything you put your mind to, and girls especially have the power to change the world. When I was 17, I realized the gap between parents and teens was growing even deeper, and parents needed to hear from real teens about what their own kids were doing.

It took many months of late nights, spending all of my allowance and babysitting money and working really hard, but I finally self-published a parenting guide from a teen’s perspective—called “You’re Grounded!” That is when I realized that we can do anything we work hard at!

Here are few ways girls, and parents of girls, can be encouraged to take leadership positions early in life—because you can make a difference!

To read the rest of Vanessa’s article visit: Five Ways Girls Can Be Leaders

Teaching Teen Girls: 5 Signs A Guy Is Only Interested in Sex

By guest blogger Vanessa Van Petten who is the teen author of the parenting book “You’re Grounded!” She writes a parenting blog along with 12 other teen writers from the kid’s perspective to help parents.  Her work as a young family peacemaker have been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Teen Vogue, Fox 5, CBS 4 and much more!  http://www.RadicalParenting.com

How do parents teach their teen daughter that they have to learn whether or not a guy is only interested in sex?  It is important dating lesson, one that teens are learning earlier and earlier.

Here are a few tips I like to give teen girls when they start thinking about boys and dating:

1) Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Boys can be smooth talkers.  One thing I try to impress upon girls (even on my 23 year-old friends) is that girls read way more into language than boys.  Some boys—not all, might stretch the truth if it means they will get to hook-up with you.  That is why listening to actions, is almost more important than listening to words.  Does he say he cannot wait to see you, but forgets to call? Does he say that he does not care if you hook-up, but then is very physical when you see each other?

2) Learn to Read Faces

Most people actually display most of their emotions on their faces.  Teen boys especially are not very good at hiding their true emotions.  This can be a great way to see if he is telling the truth and how he really feels.  Look at his face the instant you say ‘no’ to doing something you are uncomfortable with.  Does he look sad, scared, embarrassed or worried? These are all OK emotions.  If he looks angry, resentful, bored or annoyed this is not a good sign.

3) How Do His Friends Treat You

Guys always talk to their guys about sex and you.  I find that if you meet his friends and they have heard about you, talk to you and take an interest in you, your guy probably shared his idea that he likes you more than just for sex.  If they ignore you, make lewd comments or snicker when you come in, you might want to have a talk with one of them or your guy for what they know.

4) What Does He Remember and Talk About

If a guy remembers things about what you talk about, he is actually interested in what you have to say, not just what you have to ‘put-out.’  If he seems to take an interest in you and talks about things other than sex, you are probably with a boy who actually cares about you and not just the sex.

5) When Do You Interact

This one can be tricky, because sometimes teen boys can only interact when parents are asleep or in certain time frames.  Yet, teen girls need to learn to pay attention to the interaction schedules.  Are boys only calling when it is late at night or when they want to get together?  Do teen boys want to go to parties with you, but not dates or spend any alone time unless you are hooking up? This can be a sign that they only want a sexual interaction.

I think these signs are important to talk to your teen daughters about, but also remember to explain to them that teen boys are also just as nervous and might be acting strange or weird because they are uncomfortable.  The best policy is always to be as open and honest with your feelings and in your relationships. 

By: Vanessa Van Petten is the teen author of the parenting book “You’re Grounded!” She writes a parenting blog along with 12 other teen writers from the kid’s perspective to help parents.  Her work as a young family peacemaker have been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Teen Vogue, Fox 5, CBS 4 and much more!  http://www.RadicalParenting.com

Learning How to Forgive

I loved this blog post from my friend Ria because it reminds us of how to raise confident children and forgive ourselves at the same time:

“I was at the playground the other day with my kids and my 7 year old was reaching for the third rung of the monkey bars, which is still just beyond her reach. As I watched, I could feel myself tense up and in an effort to “help,” I heard myself thinking about all the things she could do to “improve her performance.” But I said nothing. In fact, I had to turn away because I had a sense that she was looking to me for approval that she was “doing it right.” I didn’t trust myself not to express my own frustration, although well meaning, which would come through as judgement.

I started reading the book I had with me, Days of Deepening Friendship by Vinita Hampton Wright: The child who experiences primarily judgment and punishment — at home, in school, in church or neighborhood — will not be free in anything she does. She will get upset at every mistake, and she will worry that the end result will bring anger and ridicule. And she definitely won’t experiment — no, she will ask the teacher repeatedly what the rules are and ask if she’s “doing it right.” Exactly. “Keep trying!” I yelled over to the monkey bars.

How many of us are pleasers or perfectionists? How many of us do things to seek the approval of our peers? Or, overextend ourselves physically and emotionally because we just can’t say “no?” How many of us base our choices out of obligation, guilt, fear of rejection, or fear of failure?

My hand is SO UP!!! And I know there are at least a handful of you mommies that are with me because we’ve talked about it, live and in person! I know what happens to those little girls who want to be perfect and just want everyone around them to be happy (especially with them). They give themselves away. That’s what I did. I looked outside of me for approval and jumped when someone said “Jump!” or “You should…” or “You need to…” If, as my friend Gail says, there are 86,400 seconds in a day and you spend 80,000 of them doing things that aren’t really about you, where are YOU in your life?

The child who experiences acceptance and forgiveness will be free to make mistakes, try something new, play as she works, and even enjoy what the other kids are making. Those children will grow up and eventually have children of their own. Those who learned judgment will worry over her kids and turn them toward worry, toward anxiety about failure and doing everything right. The parent who learned forgiveness will help create an atmosphere in which her children can discover who they truly are and become the gifted people they are meant to be.

And when the one you need to forgive is yourself? A friend of mine says that we call to us the relationships or circumstances that reflect our internal dialogue. Aren’t we our own worse critics? So if you will recall the emotional tantrum I had last week… I realize now that the external trigger called attention to my inner work. What about me is a liar and a fake? Zen Mommy was so right on! It really was the LIAR in me that I get to forgive. I get to forgive the me that was so afraid of rejection and “not belonging” that I betrayed myself for so many years… giving myself away out of obligation, guilt, fear, love for others, wanting to please, and make everyone happy.

Then forgiveness takes on the dimension of self love, like ZM says. It means allowing yourself to be human, like Chris Garrett says.

Yes, forgiveness is pivotal to how we get along in the world. Without it, we will never be free. With it, we live in freedom and also free others to live well. I get to forgive the little girl who grew up to be me… right now on the playground with my kids. I get to break the cycle and free myself and my children from a pattern of well-meaning criticism.

I went to Dotdotdash for a little retail therapy and bought myself a new dress. It wasn’t the one I intended to buy but it was the only one in my size and I loved it. My friend pointed out that this line has a personal mantra sewn into each sleeve. “Let’s see what your mantra is…” She said. “Forgiveness.” Of course it is! What’s your personal mantra?”

Ria Sharon is Practical Mommy on My Mommy Manual. For recommendations on travel car seats and other product reviews, positive parenting coaching, and more practical and inspired tips, visit www.mymommymanual.com or www.twitter.com/riasharon.

For Parents and Professionals Who Care About Teens

If you are a parent or professional who frequents our site, we’re glad you’re here. It means you care about teen girls as much as we do. Check out these ideas to help you help your teen:

1. We’re trying to reach 5000 teens with our latest survey, What are the Biggest Secrets Girls Keep? Please help us spread the word by sharing this link.
2. Stop by www.carriesilverstock.com for more great tips and updates just for parents and professionals who care about teens.
3. Invite Carrie to speak at your school, conference , or event.
4. Be the first to get your copy of Secrets Girls Keep by preordering today!
5. Encourage the teen girl in your life to hang out with people who are achieving big things, like the girls right here at www.girlswithdreams.com.

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