Love Yourself – Part 1

We can all be hypocrites sometimes. A hypocrite is someone who says something, but does something else. (Ex. You say it’s bad to lie, but you still lie.)

But we don’t always know that we are doing it. I think one big thing a lot of us are hypocrites on is our problems. It’s really easy for us tell other people to love themselves, and make an entire list of reasons that they are a good person. But a lot of the time, when it comes to loving ourselves, it’s not so easy.

This is because we see everyone else from the outside. There’s only one person that you truly know every little detail about- and that’s you. You probably don’t share all of the not-so-good details about yourself with everyone. But you probably do share the good ones. Well, most people are like this. So we tend to think that they are better people than us because we don’t know all the not-so-good details about them.

The truth is- nobody is perfect.

There are lots of things that add to our negative thoughts about ourselves. When we think about one thing we don’t like about ourselves, we tend to start thinking of more and more bad things. It’s kind of like when we are mad at our parents for something, we start thinking of everything they do that makes us mad. We do the exact same things to ourselves without realizing it or meaning to.

Sometimes we regret doing something, and so we think we are a bad person. We never forgive ourselves for it, and so we go through life never being happy with ourselves. But again…

Nobody is perfect.

Sometimes there is one little thing we don’t like about our body, so we keep looking at it and telling ourselves how ugly or gross it is. Then we are already attacking ourselves, so we start to find more and more things on our body that we say we don’t like. Even when someone compliments us on something, we brush it off. If someone tells you, “I really like your outfit today!”, we may say thank you, but inside we often just think that it’s really not that great.

We never think we are good enough, and so we are never happy. You end up being very insecure. I believe that it is true that you cannot love someone until you love yourself. I had a period of time where I was very insecure and thought a lot of negative things about myself, and it effected my relationship in a very negative way. Because of my insecurity, I was always reading into everything he did as something against me. But he made me realize what I was doing to myself, and helped me love myself again.

Even if you did something very bad, you have to forgive yourself. It is not easy, and it takes time. If you learn from your mistake (no matter how bad it was), you should be proud of yourself for learning from it. Many people make the same mistakes over and over (even very bad ones), and never learn from it. As long as you acknowledge the mistake, take your consequences, and ultimately learn and grow into a better person, you have no reason to think you are a bad person.

Remember? Nobody is perfect.

It is not bad to acknowledge all of your good qualities. It’s not conceited at all. Conceited would be thinking that you are better than everyone else, or, thinking that you ARE perfect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing all of the good qualities about yourself. You can even love physical things about yourself without being conceited. One thing I did to begin loving myself again was make short lists of things I loved about myself. At first, I thought it was being conceited. But with the help of others, I learned that it is not at all.

Here is my list. I started out with a list of 5 things, then slowly started making my list longer. I encourage you start making lists about things you love about yourself. It’s okay to start small.

1. I love that I like to help people.

2. I love that I am close to my family.

3. I love the color of my eyes.

4. I love that I am independent, and that I am my own person. I don’t try to be anyone else. I am just me.

5. I love my hair and that I’ve never wanted to dye it because I love my natural blonde color.

We All Need Help Sometimes

I know this looks like a long one, but trust me, it’s worth it.

Recently, someone very close to me has been going through a lot.

He has gone through more in his 21 years than most people do in their whole lives. All the stuff that has happened to him started to build up inside him. But he didn’t tell anyone that something was wrong. He just let it continue to build up until one night when he exploded. He drank a lot of alcohol (keep in mind that he is 21), and decided to drive. He was speeding down the highway while intoxicated. When I found out about it I called the police and they found him. (There are several details that I left out for his privacy.)

He was lucky enough to live through this. He is now getting help and therapy to learn how to deal with things from his past emotionally and mentally. But even he will say that the events that night could have been avoided by doing two things: talking about what’s bothering him and leaning on other people.

His independent spirit has never wanted to “burden” other people with his problems. That’s how he puts it at least. But after this huge reality check, he has learned that there is nothing wrong with leaning on other people in hard times.

I’m telling you this story because I want you to learn from it. I hope that it doesn’t take something this drastic for you to learn that it’s okay to lean on other people. Whether it’s family, friends, a therapist, or all of those people, there is nothing wrong with accepting help. No matter what your story or problem is, NO ONE can carry it by themselves for forever- no matter how good they are at pretending.

There are several reasons why people don’t want to bring up something that’s bothering them to other people. It could be something embarrassing, or maybe you think you’ll be judged for it. Sometimes you just don’t know who you can trust. Or perhaps you think you can deal with it on your own, even though you really know that it’s weighing you down. I think all of us have experienced one of these. I know I have.

But whatever it is you need to talk about, none of those reasons should keep you from letting it out.

If it’s something embarrassing or you think you’ll be judged for it: talk to a family member, good friend, or trusted adult about it. They can help you without the stress of wondering if they’ll think differently of you.

If you don’t know who to trust to talk to: talk to a school counselor. They are trained to help you, and they love doing it. There are also free phone numbers you can call and websites you can go to. A few are listed at the bottom of this blog. The best part is, it’s all completely confidential. Even when you talk to a school counselor. Whatever you say stays just between you and them.

If you think you can handle it on your own: stop for a second and ask yourself, “Can I REALLY do this on my own?” You know (whether you admit aloud it or not) if something is too big for you to handle. If you realize that something is weighing you down, talk about it with someone. They can help you with situations that can’t be solved by one person.

Also, if you see someone you know that is holding something in, try to get them talk about it. You don’t have to be pushy or annoying about it. Some people really do just need a little time before they talk about it. Instead, just assure them that you are there for them when they do want to talk. If it’s something that they can’t talk to you about, encourage them to talk to somebody they can trust. They will thank you in the end.

Not only is my friend learning to lean on other people, but so am I. At first I didn’t think I needed help either. I thought I could just be strong for him on my own. But after awhile all the emotional stress started weighing down on me and I knew I had to talk to somebody. Although I had already talked to my mom and my grandma (my grandma is kind of my personal therapist), I needed to talk to someone outside the situation. So, I went to see a therapist at the college I go to.

I also didn’t want to tell my friend that I needed to talk to people about what was going on, but he could see how it was affecting me. Once I told him that I was going to the counselor, he was actually relieved.

He had already felt the affects of trying to do it alone, and didn’t want me to feel the same thing. He still knows that I am there for him and that I’m trying to be strong for him, but he knows that I’m human too and that I also need to lean on other people so that he can lean on me.

If you look closely, the whole world is full of people leaning on other people- and that’s okay.

Here are some helpful websites to go to if  you need to talk to someone:

http://suicidehotlines.com/

http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/AskIt/Pages/default.aspx?gclid=CPiwktG6uKgCFQQbKgodaTv3CA

http://www.myshrink.com/online-crisis-counseling.php

http://www.stressgroup.com/home.html

http://www.teencentral.net/?gclid=CI_g0fi6uKgCFcq8KgodAm_HCg

http://us.reachout.com/wecanhelpus/

http://www.troubledteen.us/free-teen-help.php

http://teenlineonline.org/teens/

http://www.psychresources.net/

Fighting with Best Friends

Friends are made for fighting.  Sound a bit too pessimistic? There isn’t a doubt in my mind that it’s true. When you think about it, it really makes a lot of sense. Your friends are like practice for the real world. They’re there to make sure you know how to deal with conflicts people throw your way. And boy do they do just that.

It’s pretty reasonable to think that I’ve been fighting with a friend. Extremely, one hundred percent accurate, actually. This is one of my best friends I’m talking about, which hurts a lot, because sure we’ve been through rough times before, but we haven’t spoken for days other than a few exchanged text messages, and they haven’t been good.

This is my very best friend I’m talking about here. I don’t know if any of you girls have experienced a fight with your very best friend, but it hurts, a lot.

I walk onto my bus everyday, waiting to see her there sitting on the seat where we go everyday, waiting for me. I mean, she always is. But sometimes I get this feeling that she just doesn’t want me to be there. So, I guess that’s where it all started. I got a feeling, it turned out to be true, and look where it got me… not speaking to my best friend.

I’m not sure if I can even call her that anymore. But, I feel like I need to or else I will literally explode. Well not literally, but you know.

So I guess when I’m older someday, I’ll look back at this and thank her. At least that’s what all of the adults I’ve talked to about this little situation have told me. She’s teaching me a lesson… I know. But for now, it feels more like I’m being walked all over by the girl that I’m supposed to be able to trust with my life. Oh best friends sometimes…

What Do Your Spring Break Plans Look Like?

As soon as the three o-clock bell rolled around, my whole school was ready for spring break. There was not a single person I could think of that didn’t have extravagant plans, or overall excitement for the week long break that marked the year nearly over.

My big exciting plans did not include going to Florida, or Las Vegas, or any extremities (although that is always fun). I was simply planning on taking a weekend trip to the Lake of the Ozarks with my family. Yeah, it was with my family, I know some girls have this thing about being with family, but it was probably the best trip I’ve ever taken.

The whole time, there was no drama. And no “She said…. and then he said…. and I don’t know what to do!!” Instead, I got the luxury of being alone with my family, away from the technology. We went mini golfing. We saw movies. We went out to dinner without thinking “Is my hair ok…?” That’s the nicest thing about family. I don’t have to worry.

This spring break was amazing. There was nothing I would change about it, and I’m glad I decided to spend time with family, it was worth it. Now I’m just waiting for summer….

“Change”

Some people see change as a good thing; a way to explore new things and ideas. Unfortunately, the rest of us are intimidated by new experiences and the unknown.

Change is never easy, wether it involves dealing with a breakup, your parents’ divorce, or going to college. Which is why a lot of teens are so afraid of change. As if we don’t have enough to worry about with school, work and our social lives’ we have to go through all of this stuff too? Craziness, I know.

But the truth of the matter is, change is  inevitable. No matter how hard we try to avoid it, it’s going to happen eventually. So, what’s a teen to do?

Well, I have found the only way to make it through a tough transformation is acceptance. Whatever you do, never run from it. Acceptance is allowing yourself to completely understand the situation. At first there will be a feeling of shock, of course, but don’t let that feeling control you. It’s normal to grief about a big change for a while, but when its all said in done the only choice you can control is your own. As a teens, our decisions are our most powerful asset. The worst decision that a teen could make while going through any sort of change is letting the situation hinder other aspects in thier life.

The first step of acceptance is to calm down and come to terms with yourself and the circumstances. Accept the change and try to find the brighter side of things, no matter how difficult it may seem. I’ve personally found after accepting the situation for what it is, it turns out not to be as bad as it was in the beginning.

So teens, remeber to stay focused because every problem has a solution!

Be a Buddy, Not a Bully

When Will CyberBullying Stop?

I received a text message last night from one of our Girls With Dreams team members. A tragedy struck in the St. Louis community. A tragedy like so many that have occured around our country as a result of cyberbullying. A young person took his life because of being bullied.  This is not okay.  When is this going to stop?  We all need to do better. We need to help each other, help our children, our friends, our schools, our communities. Our hearts and prayers go out to all of the loved ones who have been impacted by this loss or the loss of someone they love. We wanted to share some of the stories and resources you might find helpful on this subject.

Girls With Dreams blogs about CyberBullying
Girls With Dreams TV talks about CyberBullying
Cruel’s Not Cool (A Facebook Group Dedicated to Ending Cruelty)
Girls With Dreams talks about how to deal with tragedy and loss

A Good Way to Be Productive

Sometimes it’s hard to be productive and even though you have so much to do, it all just seems so overwhelming.

Here are a couple tips that will hopefully help you stay on track.

– Make a list of everything you have to get done that day. Then make a list of everything you have to get done that week.

– Number everything for the day from most important to least important.

– Think of some rewards you can give yourself for finishing everything. (Maybe put a quarter into a piggy bank every time you get something done, then at the end of the week or month, spend the money!)

– Figure out how long you have to finish everything then figure out how long each thing should take.

– Set a goal and make sure it’s realistic. Maybe somethings need to hold off to the next day.

– Start your list with a positive attitude! Maybe listen to some upbeat music that can get you pumped up to finish everything.

Then begin!

Teens Dealing With Sexual Abuse Part 2: Books & Resources

I received an email from a young woman who had read Secrets Girls Keep.  She wrote me because she had been a victim of sexual abuse.  Secrets Girls Keep covers lots of issues girls deal with from friends, to boyfriends, to school, and even sexual abuse.  This young woman wanted to continue the discusssion about sexual abuse and how teen girls can heal from this.  In the first blog post, she offered her perspective and advice that helped her.  In this post, we have a list of book recommendations and other resources.

 Books and Websites that Might be Helpful
Some books I found helpful were:  Why me? By: Lynn Daugherty,  How Long Does It Hurt?  By Cynthia L. Mather, Shining Through By: Mindy B. Loiselle, It Happened To Me (Workbook) By: William Lee Carter, Healing Your Aloneness Workbook By: Margaret Paul and Erika Chopich, and

The Right To Innocence  By: Beverly Engel **The first 75 pages or so I didn’t particularly like I guess. The very beginning is more aimed towards adults looking back at childhood sexual abues, but that’s only the first few pages or so. THe rest of those 75 pages is what sexual abuse is and different types and just explaining it and such. After those pages I found the rest extremely helpful.
Also, take time to “research yourself.” By this I mean do research about what happened to you. For friends and family of survivors, they are affected too as “secondary survivors.”  You might want to try: http://www.pandys.org/articles/tipsforfriends.html   My friends found that particular one helpful.

Teens Dealing With Sexual Abuse Part 1

I received an email from a young woman who had read Secrets Girls Keep.  She wrote me because she had been a victim of sexual abuse.  Secrets Girls Keep covers lots of issues girls deal with from friends, to boyfriends, to school, and even sexual abuse.  This young woman wanted to continue the discusssion about sexual abuse and how teen girls can heal from this.  The book has a short section on this topic and she felt parts of it could have been worded differently or explained further.  She offered to help share her perspective with other girls.  In this blog series, you can hear what she has to say. 

You’re Not Alone

“I think it’s important to just get the word out because just going through sexual abuse made me feel like I had never been more alone in the world. Girls need to know that they are most certainly not alone, we need support of others and they’re waiting with open arms to support you. You aren’t going be a bother or hurt anyone’s feelings by talking to them. People want to be a part of your life, no matter who you are. People really do care. Get help, even if the thought of it terrifies you. It won’t make it worse if you seek help, only make it better and safer for you. Everyone who’s going through abuse of any kind needs someone to step in for them, and lend them a hand when they most need it.

I told my teacher, but you can reach out to anyone, a trusted adult, a good and trusting friend, another family member, a parent, etc. We all need help and don’t be afraid to seek it. Share your feelings and let yourself feel them.  Everything you are feeling if you’ve been sexually abused or even just abused, is not abnormal. We all feel the same frustration, loneliness, guilt, sadness, depression, anger, and a good deal of other things. I know that you probably want to shove these feelings away, but it’s important to feel these feelings. You’ve probably pushed these things down and away for so long, but everyone has a right and a need to feel them.

Reactions to Abuse

It’s also completely normal, not good but normal, to develop an eating disorder for a source of control. Many girls develop a variety of eating disorders when or after being sexually abused. It is normally because of a need to control something in their life because the abuse is something a victim has absolutely no control over whatsoever. Be sure to tell someone about it if you have developed one, and just work through it. It will be ok. There’s no need to be ashamed of it, I’m working through mine as well, and it is getting better. No one who matters will judge you because of it, and you don’t have to tell everyone. Just someone you trust and someone who can help you or help you to find someone who can. Also, the abuse was not your fault at all!!! It’s something hard to realize that you had no power, but it really is true, no matter what you want to tell yourself. Put yourself in someone else’s position and look back on the abuse. You’ll realize that there was absolutely nothing you could’ve done. I’m  truly sorry. No matter what the abuser said like, “You wanted it.” or “You asked for it.” You didn’t and it was in no way your fault.

Lastly, it’s entirely normal to develop an anxiety disorder, have panic attacks, flashbacks, and / or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You’ve suffered something traumatic, and you’re mind has been in “survival mode” and you’ve done what you had to because you made it through. Because your brain and body has been in “survival mode” it’s trying to kind of realize that it can just kind of relax and be safe. I know that this might be painful, but to start to let go and not be constantly remember he abuse you really do need to think about it. What’s basically happening is that your brain has blocked out the memories for so long because your mind is thinking if you block it out it won’t be real, but it is and it’s ok to know that it is real. So, you’re heart knows what happened, but your brain wants to know too, and so, this might sound strange but, your heart and your brain are kind of fighting to know what happened and that’s why it’s constantly on your mind or popping into your mind. It’s ok to tell your brain what happened  and let yourself think about. It will let your brain start to relax, and let go of thinking about it constantly.

For more ideas on how to deal with sexual abuse, look at part 2 of this series  which includes books and other resources that helped her deal with sexual abuse.

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