Courageous Teens

I was recently traveling and met a courageous young woman I wanted to tell you about. This wasn’t courage like rescuing someone from a burning building or a heroic act.  It was a silent courage that probably has gone unnoticed by most people.  We bumped into each other during traveling and we talked about some of our life experiences.  I was so impressed with her courage and determination to be true to herself that I wanted to share some of what I gleaned from her in a short time.

Sydney shared with me a time in her life where she was in a long term relationship that was verbally abusive.  She didn’t see how bad things were getting and if it weren’t for one decision of hers, she might still be in a dangerous relationship.  She had an argument with her boyfriend and ended things.  Shortly after that when she was deciding what to do after highschool she decided to leave her town and go out on her own.  Sydney seemed to have bigger visions for her life than anyone around her had ever imagined.  I was so impressed with the courage this must have taken her.  She told me though that many of her friends have kids now and are probably barely 20 years old.  She didn’t want that life for herself.   I hope someday that Sydney and I will meet again and maybe she can tell you the story herself in her own words.  It is these stories we need to hear from each other.

I admired Sydney because she

• Listened to her intuition. She loved her boyfriend but could see it was not benefiting her and she had the courage to leave.  I’ve talked to so many teens who have struggled with dating violence and it’s never easy to figure out what to do.
• Wanted a bigger life for herself.  She went out on her own to find herself even though she was the only one of her friends that chose a different path.
• Has kept her passions alive.  She is working to support herself but is open to figuring out her next steps and how she can use her talents in the best way.

Dating Advice for Teens: How To Enforce Your Boundaries

We’ve all heard this speech a million times, whether it was from your parents, your teachers, or your grandparents, but I can’t stress it enough. You know your boundaries. Don’t be afraid to enforce them. We can all say “I’d NEVER do that!”, but when it comes down to the wire, a lot of girls are scared to say “no”.

If you haven’t been in this situation yet, chances are you will be eventually. It’s not like in the 1950’s movies when the guy says “If you loved me, you’d have sex with me!” or “Come on, everyone’s doing it!” It’s way different these days. There’s pressure to be sexually active from everywhere: movies, magazines, other girls that make it look cool, shallow guys, and pretty much everything else.

Don’t let all those strings pull you away from who you really are! You know what you’re comfortable with when it comes to being sexually active. If a guy starts doing something you’re not comfortable with, tell him to stop. If you think he’ll stop talking to you for telling him no, then he’s not worth talking to in the first place!

Be honest and clear about your boundaries with a guy before things do get that far. But, if it still doesn’t help, use these tips to tell him NO:

• Talk about it before you get into the heat of the moment. It’s a lot easier on both of you this way.
• Don’t feel like you have to give him a reason. No is enough. You don’t have to explain why you feel the way you do. A no is a NO!
• There are a lot of risks that come up with sex that are easy to forget like STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) and pregnancy. This isn’t something to take lightly.
• If he still doesn’t stop after you’ve clearly said no, LEAVE. If you don’t have a way home, call a friend or trusted adult to come get you. It’s better to wait for a ride at a Wal-Mart than to be forced into something you don’t want to do, for your own good reasons.
• Again, if you think that he’ll stop talking to you for telling him no, then he’s not worth talking to in the first place! This isn’t a time to be worrying about your reputation.
• Lastly, don’t give in! No matter how persistent he is, don’t give in to his reasons. We all know some guys just have that charm you think you can’t resist, but trust me, you can!

The “L” Word

I’ve always had more serious relationships (with a few week-long ones thrown in of course). Half of the boyfriends I’ve had have said the scariest and happiest word you can say in a relationship- the “L” word. Saying “I Love You” is a big step in a relationship. In a way it’s committing yourself to the other person at a deeper level.

Here’s my problem with the “L” word. Some people throw it around too easily, and some dont use it enough. There’s a very fine line with it. I say I Love You to my friends all the time without a second thought. But when it comes to boyfriends, I’m scared that it will push them away. I’m not one to say that just because you’re young that means you can’t love someone. Something I’ve learned with my dating experiences is that there’s a difference between loving someone and being in love. I know that I have loved someone. Was I in love? Well if the answer was yes, I wouldn’t be single right now.

Saying “I Love You” shouldn’t just happen though. If you’re going to do it, make sure you mean it. The worst situation to be in is saying that to each other just because you’ve been together for a long time. So here’s my “Saying I Love You” pointers.

These are just things to think about if you want to say the “L” word to your boyfriend…

– When you’re really upset about something, is he the first person you want to talk to about it?

– When you spend time together, is it truly quality time? Or is it just a way to waste free time?

– When you talk about him, do you talk about how hot he is, or his personality?

– Does he make you feel like a good person, or are you always self-conscious around him?

– Do you get along with his friends? Does he get along with your friends?

– Finally, has anyone else made you feel like he does?

This is only my point of view. Love is so controversial that I”m not asking you to agree with me, I just want you to think about it.

Do Boys Impact Your Self-Esteem?

How would you rate your self-esteem on a scale of 1 to 10? How does that fluctuate when you’re around your friends? Do you feel more  or less confident? What about when you’re around boys? Does that number change? Most girls I talk to have dealt with self-esteem issues in one way or another. I would venture to say all teens and women struggle with self-esteem at some point, I know I still do.

When it comes to boys, it’s important to notice if your self-esteem goes up or down. Take a quick quiz to see how you do. Do you agree or disagree with the following statements:

1. On a scale of 1 to 10, my self-esteem is 8 or greater.
2. I rely on comments from my friends to make me feel better.
3. I depend on attention from guys to make me feel good about myself.
4. I believe I’m a better person if I’m dating someone.
5. I feel good about being myself and about expressing my opinions.

How did you do?

1. Hopefully you agreed, but it’s okay if you didn’t. When I was a teenager I probably would have answered 3 to 5, depending on the day. It’s more important to be aware of where you are on the scale and look for ways to build your self-esteem positively.
2. Although it’s wonderful when our friends compliment us, you hopefully disagreed. We shouldn’t rely on our friends to boost us up because we should be able to find that confidence within ourselves.
3. I hope you disagreed. Guys can be wonderful, but we shouldn’t depend on them to make ourselves feel better. What happens when you break up with the guy you depended on to build you up?
4. You are amazing whether or not you have a boyfriend, so I hope you disagreed. Don’t fall into the trap of believing you have to date someone to be someone. Being single can mean many things. You might not have found the right match, you might be too busy, or your confidence might be intimidating. It’s so important that we stick together as girls and help each other realize that our self-esteem shouldn’t fluctuate based on whether we have a boyfriend.
5. Hopefully you agree and can do this no matter who you are around. I know so many otherwise confident girls who shrink around boys. Don’t let that happen to you.

Whatever you scored on the quiz is okay. It’s more important to be aware of where you stand with your self-esteem and how it’s shaped by the people around you, especially boys. When girls become dependent on boys for improving their self-esteem, they get into situations they regret. You can probably think of a girl who went too far with a guy or dated a jerk just because she was trying to feel better about herself in some way.

Let’s work on sticking together as girls and building each other up. You can also hear other girls sharing their tips and advice on our You Tube channel and check out more tips here. Finally, think about joining our Self-Esteem Challenge. As part of our challenge, we hope to give girls more tips to feel beautiful and confident.

Are Boys Even Worth It?

What makes guys the least bit interesting? Why are opposite sexes attracted to each other? Are boyfriends even worth it? I decided to weigh the pros and cons:

PROS

Learning new things from new people. Meeting family! Having someone to talk to when days get rough. Knowing someone is interested in you. Being able to chime in when people talk about how cute their boyfriend is.

CONS

Balancing time for both friends and a boyfriend. Worrying about how your actions matter not only to you, but to another person. Becoming dependent on someone else. Potentially becoming too involved, to the point where you fall behind in school, with family, and friends. Feeling like you have to celebrate every “first” or anniversary. Getting jealous. Getting in arguments.

Whether you’re in a relationship or will be in one in the future, it’s good to think ahead and prepare for both the good and the bad. Do you have any other pros or cons to add to the list?

How to Find the Right Guy

Whether you’ve dated a lot, a little, or are thinking about getting started. Most girls have probably asked themselves, “Am I ever going to find the right guy?” I caught up with a few teen girls who wanted to share their tips for finding the right guy.

Keep in mind, you always need to know yourself first. What kinds of things do you enjoy doing? What do you get excited about? How do you expect to be treated? The right guy should complement you. You shouldn’t have to compromise your values and beliefs to be with the right guy. Watch for more tips!

Can Schools Help Prevent Dating Violence?

With the recent attention on dating violence, we wanted to share ideas on how schools can play a bigger role in preventing it. Watch other teen girls give their ideas here.

Here are a few other suggestions you might try at your school:

• Organize an awareness week about dating violence. Invite a speaker or plan a program to illustrate the topic. The Yellow Dress is a great example, and you can find out more here.
• Distribute ribbons or wristbands or something along those lines as a reminder to end dating violence.
• Talk to your student government and get them involved. Consider partnering with other schools in your area to get more awareness.
• You can always start small. Talk to your group of friends, or your own Girls With Dreams Friend Circle and agree to take a stand against violence in relationships.

Tips for Teens in a Bad Relationship

If you or a friend is dealing with a violent or unhealthy relationship, you are not alone. A bad relationship can happen to anyone. For starters, I’m glad you’re open to getting help. Just by getting this far, you’ve taken a big step. Most importantly, I want you to know you are valuable, worthy, and beautiful.

A few of my friends want to share some tips of their own. Watch this video to see what they have to say. Then, read the other info we have at Girls With Dreams about dating violence.

Dating Violence: Teens Share what They See

Have you ever been a victim of dating violence? How about one of your friends? Unfortunately, many teens have experienced dating violence in one way or another. If it hasn’t touched them personally, many people know someone who has dealt with it. Check out what teens have seen when it comes to dating violence.

If you or a friend is in a violent relationship, be sure to read these important tips.

Teen Reactions to Rihanna and Chris Brown

Recent headlines about Rihanna and Chris Brown remind us all of the prevalence of dating violence. I wanted to find out what teens think about the couple. Most of the feedback I’ve heard suggests that Rihanna should’ve done more to stand up for herself. Many girls said things such as, “it was her fault” or “she should have left” or “she shouldn’t have gone back to him”. Here are a few thoughts our Girls With Dreams team shared.

Watch for more tips on dating violence and read some of our earlier posts here.

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